I Hate Muffins
by kazlene
Summary: A story featuring the relationship between Pipsqueak and Derpy Hooves. This was written by my friend, she just asked me to upload it...


I was supposed to like muffins. Everybody knew that. If you saw Derpy on the street what did everyone think of? That's right. Muffins. Those cursed, horrible little seeds of evil hiding themselves in plain sight as they sat mocking innocent ponies. Did they know what They did to my family? If they did they wouldn't be offering those so called treats with such belittling smiles upon their muzzles. I swore the next pony that tried to give me one of those accursed...

I stared down my muzzle with a glare. Well, my muzzle with one eye and my other eye at that bunny shaped fluffy little cloud. It was just so cute, and how could I stay mad at those cutesy wutesy twitchy whiskers. I broke down into a fit of giggles, forgetting the fact that I had been flying about one hundred seven and a half feet in the air. I blame the muffins.

I stared dazed at the fluffy bunny cloud. Unfortunately it now appeared as a ancient poniesasaurs Rex. Not at all cute and fluffy. Suddenly a pair of brown eyes filled my line of vision, blocking any views of an clouds.

"Hi there Miss Derpy!" Are you okay? That looked like a nasty fall."

I slowly realized, as that Trottingham accent filled my ears, that there was a ringing sound echoing through my skull. How peculiar.

"I was just looking for you, my mum made me some muffins!"

Muffins.

Muffins. How I hate thy. Let me count the ways

I pounced. That little twerp was going to get. I felt those brown and white hooves flailing beneath me. Only one way to fix that. I lifted my grey wings from the dusty ground, and with a powerful and swift down soar, I took off.

Before any of the nanby pamby pony citizen could even react I was in the sunny blue sky with that idiotic little foal. I decided to head to the Everfree. Those no way that the little brat could last a minute in the cloud home and I didn't want my fun being cut short. Likely I discovered an abandoned cave last time a storm blew me away. Nice and abandoned. Away from pony prying eyes. And I had a spare letter opener in my bag. We were going to have a good time, Pipsqueak and I.  
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I set down with my back legs first, I wanted to keep my little prize intact for my own playtime. I already "accidentally" had to shush him up on the way over when he wouldn't shut up. All it took was quick hoof to his lower jaw and he went as quiet as a mouse, quieter even.

I threw his body down onto the cold stone floor, letting out a barely audible ouch through a spittle bubble of blood. I giggled at the sight.

"Did wittle baby get a boo-boo?"

I knocked his school bag off to the side. It would only get in the way, but maybe it could come in handy later. Maybe.

I circled around my new toy wondering where I should start first. It would probably be practical to make sure he couldn't get away. I just felt like that was, well, kind of boring. I noticed him started to squirm away though. I sighed. It was only one leg, I could still have fun.

I reared up onto my hind legs, making sure the cave entrance was behind me to backlight me, I wanted this kid to know what was about to happen.

His leg let out quite the satisfying crunch when my hoof impacted upon it, like a nice ripe carrot after a long day. Now carrots I like. I wondered idly if biting down upon the legs would provide tha same satisfyingly deep crunch.

I decided I could test it later, if my spotted prize was up to it. Already the weak little thing was convulsing on the stone cold floor. How truly disappointing, the fun has yet to even start.

I circled, wearing a dusty groove into the floor. What to do, what to do. Perhaps slowly skin off those ridiculous brown spots upon his coat. He was the only pony I had every seen in all of my days of mail delivery to have those pride and joy brown spotted fur.

I paused in front of his shaggy mane drooped carelessly and already with blood in it. I wondered if he had really hit his head that hard when I dropped him and then I noticed. In all of his blubbering for his mum he bit down on his tongue, and quite hard by all appearances. Maybe that could be that next target. After all that dead cat wailing emitting from his muzzle would do no miracles for my migraine.

I decided the letter opener might be a little too convenient, might loose the novelty of it all. I asked myself if one of the many rocks just sitting upon the floor, with their mocking glossy sheen, might do the trick. Quite a few appeared to have jagged edges that could easily slice through something. I recalled vaguely an rumor about a cave in the Everfree where a dragon once lived, that could explain the stones.

I found a particularly serrated one just a few paces away, not the sharpest but its roughness combined with that would guarantee pain.

I turned back to the colt. He had stop convulsing but still he lay there, just shivering like a leaf in the wind. I grinned. I was going to have a merry little time breaking a weak little colt like that. If he survived he would be having nightmares for the rest of his living days of this day.

I tenderly placed a hoof over his nostrils. I could have just forced his jaw open by hoof, maybe even break the jaw bones for fun, but I figured it would be more enjoyable to have him open his own jaw.

With a gasp his white muzzle snapped open, displaying his milky white. I didn't think of those before. Those chompers could provide entertainment,'maybe replace them with something a little... Shinier. I looked round, keeping a hoof in his mouth so as to not lose my place. Peering around I saw plenty of small sized black stones, not a single one with a dull edge.

I jerked back to my proceedings, I could feel his body start to squirm against mine, I slowly inserted the blade like rock into the gapin crevice, not caring if I nicked his gums. Bleeding gums at this point would be his least concern. I wanted to get as far back as I could for the tongue. I peered in and prodded at his uvula, watching as its dangling flesh slowly swung back and forth...

I blinked my eyes in confusion, I must have zoned out for a second. I giggled sand looked down at the Trottingham colt in front of me. I think he was one of Dinky's classmates. I noticed a peculiar look on his face, a look of worry I thought.

"Are you ok, miss Derpy?"

"Hehe, I just don't know what went wrong."


End file.
